It is 1:44am. I am still wide awake thanks to the cup if coffee I enjoyed shortly before bed, not realizing I got the regular instead of decaf. Normally, this mix up probably wouldn't have affected me with all the Diet Mountain Dew running through my veins instead of blood, but since cutting back from multiple 20oz bottles per day to one, caffeine tends to do weird things to me now. I actually know what it feels like to get that racing heart due to caffeine now. I never realized it before. I can't go to sleep now after drinking anything caffienated. I'm actually jumpy with it my system. But, since it is so late and I am up, and hubby is sleeping soundly beside me, I am lying here...in the dark...mind bouncing from one topic to the other.
One topic that keeps coming to mind is my diabetes management. I have been fighting it for the past few weeks and either it's finally got the best of me or the caffeine is talking. One thing my mind seems to love to do is think in chain-thoughts. You know, where one thought leads to another, which leads to another? Well, this is the journey leads me on tonight.
First off, I started thinking of how I forgot to get that prescription for the glucogon kit and I need to get that this week. Then that leads to the question of "Do I keep it with me at all times or do I get 2 - one to keep at home and one to keep at the office?" which lead to "OMG, what happens if I fall out at work! What will Mr. Bossman do! Could he give me the shot? What if he found me passed out? Would he know if I'm low or high? Then again, he'd probably call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. What if it turns out I was really high? My doctor would probably want to take me off of the Omnipod since he thinks it causes way too many unexplained highs. Then that would mean shots again. I could handle them again, I suppose. But I hate the lenthy process it takes when eating out. Because of my shyness and embarrassment of diabetes and wanting to be normal, that requires a plan. Find the restaurant, decide on a meal based on what CalorieKing on my iPhone shows has the closest amount of carbs I am allowing for that meal, check bg, and take shot before going into the restaurant as to avoid people stairing at me. Why? Because it is embarrasing to me to do this in public because it feels like every eye is on me, watching and wondering why I am doing what I'm doing. Then, while going inside after doing my bgcheck and insulin shot, I'll be praying that there isn't a hold up in getting our order ready since I have timed it down to 5 minute window as to how long it takes to sit down, order, and receive the food. It has happened before where there was a problem and it took an hour and a half to get our food. I had to supplement my oncoming low with a coke and re-give insulin when the food came for my meal."
All of this lead to my angry thoughts of diabetes. "Why? Why is there such a thing? What happened in one person's genetic makeup that started this chain?Why do we have to deal with this? Why am I broken?" My husband hates when I use this term. He constantly tells me I'm not broken, but it's how I feel inside, especially on the hard days. I feel like I am a piece of pottery that has a blemish. One that most people can't see, although the potter knows I have it. I am still useful, but I have to be taken care of a special way, otherwise the one little spot that is broken will start a chain reaction and cause other parts to break, eventually leading to the pottery crumbling.
Yes, I know this is depressing, long post. But I feel like I am about to crumble from trying to build myself up and fake being happy. Truth be told, I'm not happy. I'm not content. I am frustrated as heck with diabetes because of the normal life it takes from me, and you, every single day. I feel as if I have been stuck in a rut for the past few weeks that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. And tonight, in the quiet, my mind isn't letting up. It isn't playing fair.

2:34am now. I am going to try to think positively now. I have vented as much as I think I possibly can tonight. I am going to do my best to get to sleep. Goodnight.